Contributor: Eva Ting
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In his Pulitzer Prize-winning book, The Denial of Death, cultural anthropologist Ernest Becker sums up a main tension we sense when we confront the reality of our mortality: “Man is literally split in two: he has an awareness of his own splendid uniqueness in that he sticks out of nature with a towering majesty, and yet he goes back into the ground a few feet in order to blindly and dumbly rot and disappear forever.”1
What Ernest Becker talks about - this psychological conflict of our individual uniqueness and the realization that we all meet the same fate in death - informed the development of a field of research in psychology called “Terror Management Theory (TMT).” The basic gist of TMT is that our awareness of our mortality produces so much stress and anxiety that we are driven to find a way to make meaning and pursue immortality, both literally and metaphorically.
Literal immortality includes all the ways we try to prolong life and resist aging, from diet and exercise to cryogenics. Metaphorical immortality may be found in the ways we desire to leave behind legacy, from creating businesses and works of art to having children to continue our lineage. By busying and distracting ourselves with pursuits of immortality, we seek to avoid or ignore the inevitability of death.
But acknowledging our finitude and fleeting time on earth can actually be good for us and prompt us to consider what truly matters and to then align our lives accordingly. Research findings also support the benefits of facing our mortality. One study conducted in 1994 surveyed staff at a medical center in California and asked them to rate the importance of 16 different goals before and after they experienced a devastating earthquake. The survey results indicated a shift towards intrinsic goals (e.g., cultivating close relationships, doing creative work, developing as a person) from extrinsic goals post-earthquake. Respondents who had most strongly feared they were going to die in the earthquake were most likely to indicate a shift from extrinsic to intrinsic goals. In a study published by Ghent University, Belgium in 2009, older adults (average age of 75) were surveyed, and those who reported having fulfilled more of their intrinsic goals were the least anxious about death and most satisfied with their life. In contrast, respondents who reported the greatest attainment of extrinsic goals indicated the most despair and the least acceptance of death.2
At Here to Honor, we call this practice “Minding our mortality”: deliberately making space to contemplate our impermanence and fleeting time so we can prepare for the reality of death and live with intention now. Modern life distracts, compartmentalizes, and even hides our dying, so confronting our mortality actually requires a certain degree of discipline. Here are a few suggested practices to help mind your mortality:
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Acknowledge Our Finitude: As human beings, we are finite, vulnerable creatures. In a world that tells us we are limitless, it is actually good to feel our limits. How does finitude show up in your body as you age? Where does finitude show up in your time, resources, and capacity? Instead of resisting or trying to overcome your limitations, what would it look like to pause and feel your edges? Practice reminding yourself of your finitude, whether that’s lovingly accepting white hairs and wrinkles or turning down invitations and opportunities to fill up your schedule.
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Find a Memento Mori: Latin for “Remember you must die,” Memento Mori is a concept with roots in classical antiquity. Most frequently depicted as skull and bones, an hourglass, or wilting flowers, memento mori appears in art and architecture from the medieval period onwards, with the purpose of reminding us of our mortality and to hold precious the fleeting and uncertain days we live. Though this concept is not as prevalent today, carrying a personal memento mori item can serve as a regular mortality reminder. Perhaps it’s an artwork image or a poem that you post on your bathroom mirror. Maybe it’s downloading the app WeCroak, which sends five random invitations daily to contemplate death. Or maybe it’s carrying the photo of a loved one who has passed. Whatever item you choose, try incorporating memento mori visibly and consistently in your daily life.
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Practice a Simple Death Meditation: Drawing from Buddhist mindfulness of death practices, death meditation can include contemplating the inevitability of death and envisioning the breakdown of our bodies when we die. This can get very real and very emotional, and there are centers and trained facilitators who take people through guided death meditations. But a simple death meditation can be a helpful practice, and I recommend the following exercise suggested by Tracey Anne Duncan as a way to ease into death meditation3: Take your notebook or a journal to a quiet, semi-private setting–-a place where you have access to other people in case you get anxious. Complete these sentences: If I had one year left to live, I would…If I had six months to live, I would…If I had one month…If I had one week….If I had one day…
Read over your responses and consider the following: How did your priorities and activities change as the length of time you had left decreased? What stayed consistently important to you across spans of time? What do you do in your regular life that didn’t make the cut?
Thinking about death is not easy – it’s important to acknowledge that this can surface past trauma and stir up grief. But minding our mortality can also help us to prepare more intentionally for the reality of death, and in preparing to die well, we can learn to live well.
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References
- Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death
- Michael W. Wiederman, “Thinking about Death Can Make Life Better,” Scientific American, April 1, 2015.
- Tracey Anne Duncan, “Meditating on Your Death Could Make You Happier,” VICE, March 6, 2018.